“Often the mind lives in doubt, and the heart lives in trust. When you trust, suddenly you become centered.”
— Osho
“I do not trust you.”
“I cannot trust you anymore.”
“You broke the trust we had.”
The last words are hiding under some extra grime. They’re too blurry to read.
Most of us have heard someone say these words.
And when they are directed at us, the impact is unmistakable.
It can feel like being diagnosed as unreliable. Our heart sinks. Our mind searches for explanations. We may feel discouraged or misunderstood.
After working with thousands of people over the past fifty-two years, I have seen how deeply this experience wounds us. People come to heal past hurts, create meaningful futures, and step into unimagined possibilities. Yet the moment someone says, “I do not trust you,” it can stop the most courageous person in their tracks.
One reason is simple:
Once the brain concludes that someone is “untrustworthy,” it begins gathering evidence to support its conclusion. Anything that contradicts this conclusion is quietly filtered out. Rarely do we pause to ask whether our assessment of others is accurate or fair.
Let’s first look at two distinct ways of understanding trust.
1. Trust as a psychological assessment
This is the version of trust that is usually based on disappointment or frustration. Someone does something that affects us personally or professionally, and we form a negative impression or diagnosis of who they are. Here are some examples:
Ralph: Jim made an error that almost damaged our reputation. He did not check his figures on a proposal. The client discovered it. We fixed it, but now I do not trust him with any necessary documents.
Christine: I no longer trust Sheila. She repeated something I told her privately. Now, everyone knows I am attracted to our vice president.
Situations like these are discouraging. They lead us to ask:
Do these mistakes reveal something essential about a person’s character?
We are not talking about unethical or illegal conduct. We are looking at the ordinary missteps people make in daily life. Although these mistakes may hurt or upset us, they do not necessarily reveal who a person is at the core.
2. Trust as a way of seeing who people are
At some point, you have made a mistake that caused someone pain or frustration. This is part of being human. It does not make you untrustworthy, does it?
If this is true for you, then it must be true for others as well.
What if trust has less to do with someone’s mistakes and more to do with how we choose to see the person in front of us?
This shift begins with a declaration that cuts through our tendency to diagnose someone else’s character. It delivers us, and the other person, from an endless train of negativity. The declaration goes like this:
I am willing to trust.
“I am willing” lifts us above whatever we think or feel. It rises above fear, judgment, and doubt. It allows us to act from clarity and courage rather than from reaction.
You may remember the quote from Dag Hammarskjold:
“For all that has been, I say Thank You, and to everything that will be, I say Yes.”
Saying “yes” to life is an act of courage. It opens the doors of our heart that our ordinary mind cannot see. Declaring “I am willing” does precisely that.
For example, you can be willing:
- to do something you do not want to do
- to do something you think you cannot do
- to do something you are afraid to do
- to do something you do not know how to do
A decisive shift occurs when you are willing to see that mistakes do not make people untrustworthy. This may be challenging at first because many of us automatically use our thoughts and feelings as diagnostic tools, especially when what they do frustrates us.
“I feel hurt, so that means you cannot be trusted.”
“I feel disappointed, so this proves you are unreliable.”
But what if these reactions are not accurate indicators of who the other person truly is?
A question for you to consider
Are you willing to shift your perspective?
Even a gentle “yes” invites a profound change in how your brain interprets others. It creates new openings in relationships that previously felt closed.
You might ask:
If I shift how I see the person I have stopped trusting, what becomes possible now?
Compassion becomes possible, not a soft, sentimental feeling, but a clear recognition of the effort it takes to be human. Many people stay in jobs because they want to contribute. They want to know that their presence matters.
And when you have made a mistake, have you not longed for someone to see that they can still trust you?
In Carolyn’s situation, she and her husband may benefit from coaching that helps them have truthful conversations. In Christine’s story, she may discover that her colleague did not repeat anything at all, or that others simply observed what she herself had been expressing.
“Trust opens up new and unimagined possibilities.”
— Robert C. Solomon
How to Create Trust that Lasts
Most good relationships are built on mutual trust and respect.”
— Mona Sulphen
Julian: I have a great boss. Whenever I bring a problem to him, he listens. He does not pretend while glancing at his phone. I have his full attention. Sometimes his feedback is hard to hear, yet I let it in because I can tell he sees the best in me. I trust him completely. That is why I have been with this company for fourteen years.
Esther: My Aunt Anna is eighty-eight. I have known her all my life. She remembers the moment I was born. Now I am an executive at a well-known company, and she is the only one in my family who remembers me as a baby. Throughout my life, I have taken personal problems to her. When I once asked if I should tell a dishonest boyfriend to leave my apartment, she said, “Honey, do you think so little of yourself that you are only thinking about whether you should kick him out of living with you?” Her words stung, but I saw that she was on my side. She only saw the best for me. It was then that I realized how much I trusted her.
Trust is at the heart of successful relationships, both personal and professional. It allows all of us to feel safe, heard, recognized, and respected. The question becomes: how do we create it?
The second way to look at trust is to see who people truly are. It means recognizing that they are not their mistakes, and that there are basic truths about them which, when seen, empower both you and them to create relationships filled with promise and possibility. When you see them this way:
They feel your undivided attention.
They relax and are open to feedback.
They sense that you see the best in them.
If you are the leader, they want to learn from you.
They create their own solutions in your presence.
They begin to experience that all is well and that they can trust you.
The essence of creating trust is this: if you want relationships built on trust, you must be willing to demonstrate trust first.
As Gandhi said: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
To be more specific, trust grows when you are willing to see that:
This person is a human being, just like you.
They deserve to succeed in making meaningful contributions.
They have dreams and hopes, and they want to fulfill them.
They can discover their own answers in your presence.
They deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
Try writing these points on a card and keeping it nearby. Keep them handy when you are with them, whether you’re their boss, friend, loved one, or casual acquaintance.
Try it out, especially during the Holiday Season! You’ll be glad you did. I promise.
Dr. Maria Nemeth
If you’re interested, you can go to marianemeth.com to see more articles from the past, join a webinar dedicated to your success, or leave a message with a question. And, check out LinkedIn.com with messages from me to brighten your day
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