Hello Everyone!
Here’s to a New Year in which everything you wish for yourself and those you love becomes a reality! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this article. I appreciate your interest and want nothing more than to ensure that you receive value from what’s presented.
So, during the past two or three months, I’ve heard a few friends or clients saying something like the following:
Jane: This past year was really difficult for me. Egg prices were going up, and two major catering clients needed to postpone their staff celebrations. I was stressed to the max at my bakery. Yes, we managed to make a small profit, but I know there were times I was irritable with the staff. This coming year, my number-one resolution is to become the best possible version of myself so that I’ll be more supportive during difficult times.
Doug: I attended a leadership conference last month. The conference focused on successfully delegating responsibilities to my direct reports. One speaker discussed the importance of leaders becoming the best versions of themselves, both professionally and personally. The presentation was engaging and highly motivational. I definitely want to become a better version of myself this year. I need to figure out how to do it.
These words, “best” or “better” version of yourself, while motivating in the moment, can be misleading. They suggest there are multiple, perhaps inferior, versions of yourself. And it’s a difficult thing to measure. What do we mean by “version”?
According to the Google Dictionary, “version” is “a particular form of something differing in certain respects from an earlier form or other forms of the same type of thing.” We are all familiar with this definition when we look for the latest iPhone or computer and want the latest version. While that’s promising when we talk about software, can we really apply the exact definition when we talk about human beings?
Here are some questions for you to consider: Have you ever felt pressured to “update” yourself as if you were a software program needing a new version? Was it attainable? And what did it feel like to try?
The Myth of the Defective Self
It’s no secret that the Self-Help movement emerged in the 20th century. Many self-help programs emphasize the need to heal whatever is wrong with a person’s current functioning. The words “better version” seem to fit this viewpoint.
“The Myth of the Damaged Self” challenges the idea that people are inherently broken or permanently harmed by their past experiences. Instead, it suggests that viewing oneself as “damaged” is a limiting perspective that can block our growth and self-acceptance. That’s because to be damaged implies that we have a loss of value, usefulness, or normal function.
This contrasting point of view suggests that instead of viewing experiences like trauma as “damaging,” they can be understood as part of a person’s story, shaping their journey without defining their worth or potential. Therefore, healing involves integration rather than repair, acknowledging that every person contains resources for being creative and resilient.
As a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who now coaches clients, I’ve observed what happens when we think we need to be fixed or that we are starting from a place of deficiency. It isn’t empowering for the person we’re working with to see that there’s something wrong with them, that they don’t have a clue, that we do have their answers, and that it’s up to us to try to fix them.
Another question for you: Can you think of a time when focusing on your supposed flaws made you overlook your strengths? If you’re like most of us, your answer is most certainly “Yes.”
Beyond the Best Version
What would it be like to discover that there’s nothing wrong with you? That you have everything it takes to face the challenges that come? That crises, trauma, and other intensely difficult situations are, in reality, opportunities for transcending who you think you are so that you can discover who you really are?
Some of the greatest wisdom teachers, such as Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron, have taught that inside, we have energy that acts as a wish-fulfilling jewel. The adventure is all about discovering exactly what that jewel is all about.
In keeping with the above, here’s a short exercise to help you connect with the jewel inside you—the jewel that needs no “better version” because it is already whole and complete. Many of you will recognize this as a shortened form of the Standards of Integrity process I’ve taught in past articles and ACE courses.
- Find a place where you can be undisturbed for 15 minutes. Bring with you a notebook and pen.
- Make a list of at least 3 or 4 people you admire. They may be people you’ve met, read about, or watched as they made a speech.
- For each person, answer the following:
- What, specifically, do I admire about them? Did they use this trait to accomplish, create, or stand for something?
- Why are they important to me?
- Answer the following and be as truthful with yourself as possible because it is an important question: Am I willing to see that I have the same qualities inside of me that I admire about the people I listed?
- Would it be okay for me to discover that I already am the best version of myself? Acquiring new skills for being successful and dealing with difficult situations is what everyone who has ever been born has had to do!
Final Points to Consider
- Your personal development is all about enhancing what is already there, not creating a new or better version of yourself.
- Each person is unique and not a program to be updated.
- You are the only example of yourself–embrace it!
- For the next 30 days, keep what you wrote about the people you admire where you can read it daily. Each time you look at what you wrote, you will become more accustomed to considering that the qualities you listed pertain to you as well as others.
Until next time, please be well and treat yourself with compassion. You are already the best version of yourself!
