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Luminous Letters
On the Importance of Marking Special Occasions
I lead a busy life. Not always as focused or effective as I’d like. But busy. Last night I had a difficult time sleeping. I kept waking up for no apparent reason.
Well, I discovered the reason on my way to an appointment with my oncologist. I was worried. Five years ago February 5th I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My book, Mastering Life’s Energies came out the very week I heard the news. In typical busy fashion I imagined that I’d only be sidelined for five months. Six months max. But it didn’t turn out that way.
Two more operations, eight chemotherapy treatments and thirty radiation sessions later, I was weak and bald. Some said I looked like an “edgy" fashion model. I didn’t believe them. All I knew was that it would take a lot longer than I thought to feel better again.
Five years later and here I am. Cancer free. It is an important benchmark. A special occasion. I still have pain from the treatments. It is being managed, but is always there to remind me of this journey.
However, so many miracles have happened since this began.
- Traveling to teach in India.
- Meeting extraordinarily wonderful people in the UK and Sweden.
- Forging partnerships that engage my heart and which are bringing the ACE coaching principles to the world.
- Spending time with people I love and appreciate.
- And playing much, much more than ever before.
I see that pain and discomfort don’t need to define me. In fact, they can accompany me as I shift the focus of my attention to thoughts worth thinking and dreams worth savoring.
And so, in the midst of being busy, in the "ordinary commotion and clamor" of it all, I am pausing. It’s been five years. I’m OK. No kidding. As my friend Patricia Elliott once said: “I did it myself, but I wasn’t alone."
Today, what is there for you to celebrate? To commemorate? Pause with me, OK?
Today I did manage to bring some success to a very soggy situation.
Yesterday someone power-washed my garage floor. He did a good job. Very thorough. I could hear the compressor and water jets hiss as dirt was blasted away.
Ahhh, heaven !
There was just one problem. I thought the water wouldn’t reach the corner of my garage occupied by a group of cardboard boxes. Boxes containing treasures. Of course I didn’t know exactly what treasures there were because I hadn’t looked into them for four years. But that doesn’t matter, does it?
I was wrong. About the water I mean. It got everywhere. The bottom of each box soaked up the liquid like dry sponges at a car wash.
Has something like this ever happened to you? Did you notice at the time—as I did today—that it was as if your entire world were being attacked? As you read this, rest for a moment in that memory, that sensation of utter disbelief followed by panic.
I don’t like to admit when I have an emotional “moment." It’s embarrassing. But there it was: Monkey Mind. That aspect of the mind that chatters as it swings from doubt to worry. Telling me that this is the worst possible thing that could ever happen.
What to do? First, breathe. Then, one by one I took the wet boxes apart, looking for treasure. And I did find some. Forty year old LPs with some of the best in Classical and Rock. Am I happy that vinyl is coming back? You bet. Essays and other items I had written long ago which will help as I design new seminars.
I got everything out of the soggy cardboard. All looks good. All is safe. Even managed to throw away some papers and candles I won’t ever need. Did I straighten everything out perfectly? No. I was tempted. But that’s for another day.
But this is the point: I saw how Monkey Mind has no sense of proportion. It’s all or nothing, either/or thinking. One might have thought, by my initial reaction that the world was caving in.
What to do when this happens to you? Not if, but when. Take a breath. Have some compassion for yourself and others—because none of us ever asked for a brain that could get so easily tweaked. Then take some small, sweet steps that will produce a result. And laugh!
Your Pathway to a Prosperous New Year:
Make the Shift from Resolutions to Life Intentions.
You know how it starts: the New Year’s Resolutions tango. At first you’re excited maybe even upbeat about the dance of life. This year it’s going to be different. You really will exercise more, eat better, keep track of your spending, maybe even create a money goal. After three or four weeks the music starts to slow. Then it stops. You lose track of time. Old habits creep in. By March the words “New Year’s Resolution" send you running toward the nearest exit.
Wait! This year, 2012, doesn’t have to turn out like that. It really is possible to transform your life so that you dance all the year through. It has to do with shifting the focus of your attention from your Resolutions to your Life Intentions.
First, consider the word “resolution." It means having firmness of mind and determination. Sounds difficult? It’s like clenching up when you’re about to take one of those tango “dips."
On the other hand, consider focusing on your Life’s Intentions. In the Energy of Money DVD, these are the directions or purposes that give meaning to your life. Find out what they are, write them in a place where you can see them every day, and watch how your behavior begins to shift along with the focus of your attention. For example, if you wish to be financially successful" (a Life’s Intention), then simply write the following on a 3x5 card: “I am willing to be financially successful." Look at it for 30 days. At the beginning of each day simply ask yourself: “What would a person who is willing to be financially successful do today?" Try it out. You’ll find yourself continuing to dance.
If you like what you’re reading here, you will simply love The Energy of Money DVD." Starting with the question “Would it be ok with you if life got easier?" Follow along with the time-tested tools for bringing ease to your relationship with money. Coaching courageous people as they shift the focus of their attention from self-limiting worries to self-empowering possibilities.
If you want this year to be the one in which you finally brought clarity, focus, ease and grace to your relationship with money, then be one of the first to own this DVD. And watch as you master the sway and rhythm of success.
What Really Counts During the Holidays?
If we have timed this just right, you will be receiving this just before the triple Holidays of Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa. In their own way, each one of these point to the courage of the indomitable human spirit and the triumph of the light of consciousness over the darkness of ignorance.
Whichever you celebrate, and even if you celebrate none of these, there’s a question that might be useful as you plow your way through crowds and adjust yourself to shorter days and colder nights. It is this: how might I bring the principles of clarity, focus, ease and grace to every day and each interaction? If you’re interested in answering that question for yourself, read on. If this doesn’t interest you, then we send you a big Holiday Hug right now, so you don’t have to read any further, ok?
Clarity
By clarity, I mean knowing, without a doubt, how you wish to celebrate the Holidays. For example, pretend for a moment that it’s January 2nd and you’re looking back over everything that has happened during the past month. What will have warmed your heart? What will you have been happy about? What memories will you want to hold close throughout winter? I’ll bet the answers to these questions don’t have too much to do with gift given or received.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that gift exchange isn’t great. But what about the exchange of a kind word, an acknowledgement, or the recognition of how much someone in your life means to you?
You could start bringing clarity to your experience of the Holidays by simply asking the following: “On January 2nd, looking at the people in my life, what outcome will I have produced?" For example, make a list of the folks who have contributed to you this year, and let them know by that date exactly what they mean to you. That’s a good start.
Focus
Focus has to do with where you’re putting your attention and energy. This Holiday Season, ask yourself, what am I more interested in focusing upon:
- How much money I spent, or how much love I lavished on others?
- Lots of presents, or lots of presence?
- Being tired and irritated, or being interested in those around me?
- Crankiness or creativity?
Speaking of creativity, one woman I know couldn’t afford to give her Mom much during Christmas. So, she made a coupon book full of redeemable items such as: “Good for one thirty-minute back rub," and “Good for one day of cleaning your house." As you can imagine, it was gratefully received.
Ease
Can you imagine what it would be like to arrive on January 2nd actually rested? Maybe because you let other people support you instead of being the only one to fix the Holiday Feast? Or maybe because you kept asking yourself: “Does this really need to get done, or am I driving myself crazy with too much activity?
Ease sometimes goes against the grain. It can be difficult for us to picture a scenario in which we would actually ask someone else for his or her help. But consider the possibility that people want to make a difference. They don’t like the idea of seeing us worn out when they could have lent a hand.
When we’re tired, hungry, or thirsty, our efficiency runs down. It takes longer than usual to do something. And that’s when we start wasting energy, specifically in the areas of money, time, and physical vitality. That’s the opposite of ease. So, would it be all right with you to experience some rest during this time, so that you are not at the mercy of an exhausted brain that has an increased difficulty making decisions?
Grace
Remember that the definition of grace is that it is an unearned blessing. The trick to grace is this: in order for us to see these unearned blessings, we must first practice the art of gratitude. If you haven’t done this already, or even if you’ve done it before, do the following starting today:
- Each night, before you go to sleep, make a list of three things for which you are grateful in a book that you keep by the side of your bed.
- Do this for thirty days. Even if what you’re writing seems trivial or unexciting.
- At the end of the thirty days, read what you have written. It will be your New Year’s present to yourself. You will be surprised at how richly your life has been blessed.
- At some appropriate moment, preferably during a meal with family and friends, tell each person (briefly, so as not to embarrass them) in what way you are grateful for your relationship with them.
Now that we’ve come to the end of this article/letter, it’s time for you to know just how much we, at the Academy for Coaching Excellence, appreciate you! We are grateful for the many ways you have connected with us during this past year. Our lives are so much richer because of it. And, from our hearts to you:
We wish you all the best that life has to offer during this coming year. May your hearts burst with happiness and may you sit at the table of prosperity and eat your fill.
Love,
Maria and the Gang at the Academy for Coaching Excellence
On experiencing real, authentic grace everyday
On September 11th, Beth Ann, Nancy and I traveled to Stockholm, Sweden. We went to lead coaching courses at our new center there. As you can imagine, traveling on that date brought a different sort of energy to the journey. I noticed that people were quieter at the airport. More subdued.
I went to the magazine store and bought a one-pound box of chocolates. As I entered the plane, I gave it to the flight attendant, letting her know how much we appreciate all she does for people, and how this date must be very special for everyone working in the airline industry on this day.
She was surprised and even happy. She told me she would share it with everyone working this flight. I forgot about it as we headed out to Chicago on our way across the Atlantic. About two hours into the flight, she came back with a business card. It belonged to the captain of the United Airbus 319 we were flying. It read:
“Thank you for your thoughtfulness and generosity in recognizing this important day for us. From the Entire Crew of UA Flight 332 SMF-ORD 9/11/11."
I got goose bumps just reading it. I keep it in my wallet where it travels with me wherever I go.
This is the point: There are folks out there who you come in contact with who go unrecognized. They may need an occasional acknowledgement, just like a plant needs water to flourish. It doesn’t have to be anything big or fancy. Often just a few words will do, like telling the person who serves you at a restaurant:
“Thanks for taking such good care of us."
Or the one who sweeps the street in front of a store:
“I appreciate how clean you’re making the sidewalk. Thanks" My question: are you willing to have days filled with goose-bumps as you see people light up in your presence? Would it be ok to get what you will undoubtedly receive when you take a moment to give someone an authentic acknowledgement?
If the answer is yes, then look out! You are about to experience real, genuine, authentic grace, each and every day.
Where are you headed?
“If we continue down this path, we are liable to end up where we are headed." Chinese Saying
The above could sound like a warning. Or it could reflect that if you continue to do what you’re doing, you’ll be successful. However respond to it, this phrase gives you the chance to stop, reflect, and tell the truth about where you’re going.
It’s no secret that we live in a world that changes rapidly and provides us with a myriad of information, choices and alternatives to deal with on a daily basis. You’ve undoubtedly heard the report that there is more information in one issue of the Sunday New York Times than a person in the Renaissance learned in one lifetime.
With all of the options and possibilities open to us, now more than ever before it’s very useful to discern where our own actions are taking us. If I continue to take unexamined chances with my money, time, or physical energy, where will that lead me? Conversely, if I focus my energy where it will do the most good or produce the most favorable outcome, where is that likely to take me?
For example, regarding the energy of money, do I spend it consciously or do I leak it? When you spend money consciously, you’re using it to bring you closer to a goal—such as a trip to Hawaii, or a certain amount in your savings account. Whatever you accomplish will give you a sense of enjoyment. When you leak money, it runs through your fingers and doesn’t bring you either enjoyment or value. Along these lines, think about waiting at a market checkout counter and putting a couple of candy bars or magazines in your cart: not because you really want them but because they are there.
Some questions to consider when you look at where you’re headed:
1. Am I using my energy where it will do the most good or bring about the best possible outcome?
2. Am I listening to others who are trying to tell me something about where they see I’m headed?
3. Am I willing to see whether my actions are bringing me closer to a goal or away from it?
4. Finally, and you’ll read this many times coming from me: would it be okay if life got easier?
We are not here to fail or succeed: we are here to learn.
Think of all the times when you evaluate yourself by what you did or didn’t achieve. A client of mine put it best this way:
Susan: I work at a public relations firm. It’s all about the numbers: how many new clients we did or didn’t bring in every month. This sounds simplistic, but there you have it. Last month I didn’t bring in the two new clients I’d be working on. I know there’s more to my professional career than whether or not I met last month’s target. I mean, I usually do produce the results. And when I do it’s like the biggest relief. But this month when I didn’t make the target all I could think about was what I hadn’t done. It’s like all the successes of the other months were erased from my mind. And when that happened it was hard to be creative and involved in working with the wonderful clients I currently do have.
We all want to do what we said we would do. We all feel gratified when that happens. But consider where you focus your attention when you have failed to attain something. There are two separate kinds of questions we can entertain when failure is staring us in the face. Our experience of life will be determined by which category of question we focus upon.
A
1. What’s wrong with me?
2. Why did this happen to me?
3. What can I do to get out of trouble?
4. Where am I lacking some skill, ability, or knowledge?
5. How can I hide what happened?
B
1. What parts of this did I do right?
2. What did I learn?
3. How will what I learned help me grow?
4. How will what I learned be of benefit to others?
5. Where do I need support?
At the end of the day, it isn’t about success or failure. To be sure, we all need games worth playing and goals worth playing for. They are what keep us engaged with life. However, what gives us the true texture, flavor and color of life is focusing upon Category B questions. They help us wake up to our true gifts, to energize our creative nature, and then to contribute this to everyone around us.
Life is easier when you follow your “Inner Compass”
“As a man’s real power grows, and his knowledge widens,” wrote Ursula Le Guin, “ever the way he can follow grows narrower: until at last he chooses nothing but does only and wholly what he must do.”
Le Guin’s quote is about doing something that is in keeping with your important personal values. When we follow these values, they lead us down a path of ease, as well as power. When we don’t follow them, life gets more difficult.
Do you give yourself “easy outs” when it comes to doing something you’ve promised to do? For example: Do you tell yourself you can put off calling that new client, writing that report, or taking that walk until tomorrow, even though you promised yourself you’d do it today? Not much power doing this way, is there?
You have personal standards for your behavior. You know it’s true, especially when you have not done something is important to you: like not keeping promises to yourself.
Try this on for size: pick one thing you have been putting off doing. Write it down on a piece of paper. Next, put down all your thoughts about yourself and the item that are a consequence of not taking action. Next, on another piece of paper, write down how you’d feel about yourself if you completed the item. Put the two pieces of paper side-by-side. Which has the most ease attached to it? That’s obvious.
Question: By when will it be done?
Last evening I saw a commercial in which an airline pilot said: "When you fly you want to go against the wind, not with it. That’s because what you push against lifts you up."
What if we saw that obstacles, the things we push against, are there to "lift us up" to greater levels of skill? When we have no obstacles at all in our path, there is nothing to test us. We know that in order to build muscles we have to lift weights. We literally have to make our muscles push against these weights and as a result they get stronger.
Question: Would it be ok to see that the obstacles in my life are giving me the opportunity to develop mastery? They are there to help me fly?
When was the last time you allowed someone to support you? I mean, really support you? We get used to doing things on our own. We think that successful people don’t ever ask for assistance. Or we think that in order to get something done right we have to do it ourselves. Support is one of the six forms of energy we all must learn to use so that we achieve our goals with clarity, focus, ease and grace (instead of blood, sweat, tears, and frustration). When you allow someone to support you, you are giving them the message that they are capable of making a difference.
Let’s take Irene for example. She used to plan her own birthday party. People would ask if they could help and she’d turn them down. One day she decided to go out on a limb and ask her best friend Alice to help her with the party. Alice was overjoyed! She called a few more of Irene’s friends and they took over. As Irene later told me: "It was hard at first to let other people do this for me. But then it became fun. And they planned a party that went beyond what I would have thought possible. And you know what? They insisted on paying for it as well. They said that was their present to me. Now, that was a real stretch for me but I let them do it."
Question: Where can I ask for support with a project, event, or goal? Have I had enough of doing everything on my own?
